Truth

It scares me
How I can look away
For only a moment
When something disappears.
The memory of it fades
And I no longer have the energy
To try to retrieve it,
Remember it
For what it really was.
Suddenly,
I no longer know
What really happened.
Everyone tells me
Different things.
And I can’t seem
To put them in order,
Decipher the lies
From the truth.
Has there ever been any truth?
Or is that
Something my mind distorted,
Concocted from thin air,
And used to shape me?
And they still keep yelling,
Telling me
What happened
And expecting me to know,
When all I know
Depends on the day.
It depends
On what I see
In the mirror.
It depends on the details
I’ve chosen to focus on.
And they’re all in pieces
Like broken glass
Shimmering deep inside of a fog.
Today some have caught the light
While others are still
Shrouded in darkness.
I can never seem
To grasp them all.

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Can You Hear Me?

Can you hear me?
Can you hear
The cracking,
The wavering,
The fear?
Can you decipher
The words
That rise from my lips,
Their meaning?
Are we speaking
The same language,
Or have I suddenly begun
Chanting in tongues
That only I
Can understand?
Can you hear the running
Of tears down my cheeks,
Or the stinging
As they burn them?
Can you hear
The pain you’re causing
The scraping
The bruising?
Is my drunken slur
Too thick
For you to comprehend?
Is it the wind
That’s drowning me out
Or am I speaking to you
From underwater?
Can you hear
The fire in my throat
As I struggle
To keep speaking
To keep trying
To make you hear me?
Can you hear
The simmering
Of water vapor
When at last
I give up?

Worth

I asked for it.
When he told me,
In my drunken haze,
What he wanted from me,
In hushed tones
I leaned in and whispered,
Anxiety in every slur,
“I never have…
Before…”
He asked me
If that was a yes or a no.

I waited until we were alone
To tell him,
Louder this time,
“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”
But he had full intentions
Of giving me what I was asking for.
I repeated even more loudly,
“I don’t think we should do this.”
He kissed me harder,
Pulled more fervently at my clothes,
As if I was telling him
To hurry up and give it to me.
Because asking for it
Never meant that I asked.
It’s always only meant
That I deserved it.

Anxiety

A tightness holds my throat,
Tightly, unfaltering.
Air will not break through
Though I gasp and struggle
With every ounce of strength
I have left.
My muscles spasm
And my limbs shake
As the blood runs cold
Beneath my skin.
Screams will not erupt
From the frigid chasms
Deep inside me
Where they echo off the walls
Endlessly.
My eyes burn
With un-shed tears
As the voice in my head
Bellows,
Voicing fears,
And insecurities.
I squeeze my eyes shut,
Clamping my hands
Firmly over my ears,
Curling into myself,
Shaking my head
As if the words are not true.
But I know they are.
The thought stings
At the back of neck
Like electricity
Shooting through me.
I’m squeezing the air from my lungs
As if it is poisonous,
Still while trying to breath,
Gasping, heaving, choking.
How long have I been here?
How long will I remain?
When something breaks through
All the glass of the fortress
I’ve locked myself away in.
A warm hand at my back
Pulls me closer.
Whispers into my neck
Chase away the chills.
It is going to be okay.
I can feel
The ground
Returning beneath my feet,
And my anxiety at last
Begins to retreat.