Truth

It scares me
How I can look away
For only a moment
When something disappears.
The memory of it fades
And I no longer have the energy
To try to retrieve it,
Remember it
For what it really was.
Suddenly,
I no longer know
What really happened.
Everyone tells me
Different things.
And I can’t seem
To put them in order,
Decipher the lies
From the truth.
Has there ever been any truth?
Or is that
Something my mind distorted,
Concocted from thin air,
And used to shape me?
And they still keep yelling,
Telling me
What happened
And expecting me to know,
When all I know
Depends on the day.
It depends
On what I see
In the mirror.
It depends on the details
I’ve chosen to focus on.
And they’re all in pieces
Like broken glass
Shimmering deep inside of a fog.
Today some have caught the light
While others are still
Shrouded in darkness.
I can never seem
To grasp them all.

Anxiety

A tightness holds my throat,
Tightly, unfaltering.
Air will not break through
Though I gasp and struggle
With every ounce of strength
I have left.
My muscles spasm
And my limbs shake
As the blood runs cold
Beneath my skin.
Screams will not erupt
From the frigid chasms
Deep inside me
Where they echo off the walls
Endlessly.
My eyes burn
With un-shed tears
As the voice in my head
Bellows,
Voicing fears,
And insecurities.
I squeeze my eyes shut,
Clamping my hands
Firmly over my ears,
Curling into myself,
Shaking my head
As if the words are not true.
But I know they are.
The thought stings
At the back of neck
Like electricity
Shooting through me.
I’m squeezing the air from my lungs
As if it is poisonous,
Still while trying to breath,
Gasping, heaving, choking.
How long have I been here?
How long will I remain?
When something breaks through
All the glass of the fortress
I’ve locked myself away in.
A warm hand at my back
Pulls me closer.
Whispers into my neck
Chase away the chills.
It is going to be okay.
I can feel
The ground
Returning beneath my feet,
And my anxiety at last
Begins to retreat.

From the Depths

I see your stares
And all of your faces.
I have seen the blood
Run from beneath your skin
Should someone call you out.
You live in a fishbowl,
And you have become
Far too accustomed
To the absence of flow.
When someone stirs the water,
You know not what to do,
But fear sets in
That you may never figure it out
Or worse
That you may have to readjust
To your own habitat
Which you have already adapted to,
Swimming in the depths
Where no one would notice you,
Where you would not draw attention
To yourself and your differences.
You have grown to be so good
At hiding them from everyone
And yourself
That you no longer understand
How to embrace them
As your own.

The Calm Before the Storm

The most fearsome weather
Is the calm before a storm.
As still as it is,
There is nothing less peaceful,
And as calm as it appears,
There is nothing more chaotic.
Lightning’s plunge to the earth
Could not make my heart beat faster
Than the absence of life
That occurs right before.
The bright illumination
That lasts for only a moment
Could not stir more panic in my stomach
Than the dimness that envelopes
The world just before.
Even the crashing thunder
Could no sooner draw out my screams
Than the absolute silence
That buzzes in my ears
Before the true storm hits
And I have nothing left to fear.

Guilty

“I love you.”
I lick my lips
As if that could ever cleanse them
Of this poison,
The poison that lies
Within my lies.

“I love you too.”
I plug my ears
As if that could ever tune out
The deluded passion
With which you speak
Of mutuality.

Inside, it burns,
The venom.
I am a snake.
I deceive you,
And you trust me.
Why?
I could never give to you
What you deserve.
You are too perfect
For someone like me.
How do you not see it?
I don’t deserve you.
I am a liar.
But, there, you sit
And call me perfect.
Perhaps you are the liar.
It seems so genuine.
I wish it truly could be,
But I have delved far too deep
Into mistakes
That could only ever hurt you.
I cannot bear these consequences.
“I love you.”
And I mean it.
It would just be so much easier
If you did not love me back.

What Do You See?

I am the phantom
That haunts your reality.
You have never understood me,
Nor have you ever tried
Because I am different.
You look at me
And see what you expect
Whatever stereotype
You decide fits me.
But you are scared,
Because I do not fit any of them
And you cannot understand
How that could possibly be.
You look at me,
And see, not your opposite,
But everything you fear you could be,
Everything you despise in this world,
Everything that has ever wronged you.
Perhaps you should not use your eyes,
But your ears,
And you would hear my honesty,
As I only attempt to survive,
Like the rest of you.
Or your heart,
And you would understand my differences,
And know that they only make me more similar
To you or anyone else that pretends
To be someone they are not.
You look at me,
But you do not see me.
All that you can see,
Is the fog of your nightmares,
Masking reality and showing only
What you hope never to be,
So that you may rise above it,
And prove to yourself you are better.
Maybe then, I will go away.
But if you truly saw me,
Maybe you would not want me to.
Maybe you would see,
That all I have ever been
Is me.

Venomous

If I bit you,
You would die.
You would see your life flash
Before your pathetic eyes.
You would know the heartbreak
Of being betrayed.
You would want revenge
And fuel it with your hate.
Do not believe
I have left you alone
As the only soul
To bear this.
I bear them too,
And all for you.
It remains unclear:
Why haven’t I bit you?
–yet?

With so many opportunities?
You have already bitten me.
I felt the sting
Of your venom in my back.
I fell victim to hate.
You can be sure I went mad.
But I recovered,
When the winged angel,
Forgiveness,
Approached me in my sorrow.
At first, I fought her
Out of fear.
As I said, I was mad.
But I grew to understand her
And in the end
I surrendered my hate.

If I bit you,
You would die.
But I refuse to give in
To such blind fury.
Do not think
I spare you out of kindness.
I spare you out of
Unwillingness to lose
Myself in your destruction.